5 Reasons Why SXSW Will Suck Without Me

Geez, for a guy who likes to talk about himself a lot, I am downright sheepish when it comes to blogging.  I really thought that given my leisurely lifestyle these days, I would be posting more, but alas, somehow I am always just a little bit too busy, uninspired, or utterly apathetic.  No matter – here I am, and I’m blogging like the wind.  My last (ok, only) blog post did garner a fair bit of attention, so in order to safely make my way back into the good graces of my many thousands of readers, I will follow a similar theme.

So, first – some bad news.  I will not be attending SXSW this year, interactive, music or otherwise.  It is the first time in a while, and I have to say I’m pretty glad because my doctor said that every year I don’t go to SXSW I live another 5 years… I should make it to 45 no problem now.  Anyway, for the rest of you, some more bad news… my absence will create a void that no amount of queso or Shiner will be able to fill (believe me, queso can normally fill the hell out of a void – – and holes in dry-wall in a pinch).  SXSW should probably just cancel itself and spare itself the embarrassment of my absence, but if you must still attend, then let me warn you – – ok, here’s the 10:

1.       When I check into the Omni, they always try and get me to sign the “No Partying” waiver, and I immediately reach for my bullhorn and verbally slay them with an emotional, yet eloquent tirade about the violation of my rights as a citizen and an Asian American.  This always causes them to suspend the “No Partying” rule, even though most people don’t know this to be true or that I was the impetus.  Sorry – all you suckers staying in the Omni this year – no partying for you.

2.             The quality of the performances will go down – – why?  I generally attend a lot of shows while there, and almost every one I attend, I perform the following service for the artists and audience.  I position myself in clear site of the band and proceed to cross my arms and make the “my god, this may be the worst music I have ever heard” face.  Some may feel that this is cruel, rude, or negative, but by creating a situation whereby the artist is then compelled  to try and please me, I raise their game.  After that, everyone wins.

3.             All of those private parties that offer free booze will have a surplus of drinks, as they probably factored in my attendance in advance.  This will throw off their game, and through a downward spiraling series of events, the party will end up sucking. I have proven this mathematically, but its really advanced non-Euclidean stuff that’s way over the head of the average blog reader.

4.             The absence of my warm and generous personality will drop the temperature at least 10 degrees.  Bring some gloves.

5.             My loud booming voice is a great asset at this cacophonous event, and the lack of my vocal powers will mean that many people will have their heads down with their Twitters and texts and missing all the real action. Perhaps if one of you brings a bull-horn, you may be able to replace me in this regard.

Well – that’s it.  I know many of you will go ahead and go anyway, but you’ve been warned.